where the bloody hell are you take 2

ok i think this is funny as in fact i pissed myself at it ..... something to keep you all amused

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RGkNHr17OU

hope you like it ... its almost true ... giggles

and just keeps going on

Well life goes on and happier times are just around the corner as they say ...... right now i am dealing with a case of the flu .. its the first time i have been sick in years but it has given me time to rest up and take stock and think that life goes on and on and happier times are coming i guess the roller coster of life makes me feel that its on the up and up I have been making a few plans for latter in the year and thats a good thing to think that i can manange to do that and i guess back to stressing less about making things happan and just going with the flow of life and seeing what that will bring ...... I hate it when i have to hear the same words i tell other people about life and find that i havnt beeen praticesing what i preach to others about finding peace and letting life just move on .....

So its back to the single thing but hopfully not for too long i mean the right person may be just around the corner ... i do hope so i am sick of doing the single thing at the moment actually i have been sick of doing the single thing for some time so who knows i am even thinkin of moving town some time soon but will just wait alittle untill i settle my emotions some more ... i need to be in the right place to make those kind of desions and i am not there yet ...

I have th folk festival coming up on the weekend and am looking fwd to spending some time with people who just make me happy and have a friendly spirt and a good mind set as to what life is all about .... very peaceful people and kind hearted and all ..

Anyway take care everyone
see ya soon
sarah the cat
xoxoxo

Life goes on

well thank you all for the comments emails and phone calls ... yes its true i am still alive and kickin .... my head is still messy probaly cause i got totaly wasted on friday night last week and threw up a bath tub full of junk .. but i did manage to do 10 marggies .... cant think of the last time i got so sick but hey i guess we all do it some time in our life .... So anyway things are slowly returning to some kinda normal well my kinda normal which as you know is not normal at all and i am proud of that ... in the mean time i dont really feel like talkin to anyone at the moment i am just seeing how the rest of this week and next week pans out and just going with the flow........

Take care travelers
Sarah

alone in dark places

Today i feel so alone ... so lonly .... so messed up ...... so hurt ........ I reach for life lines that are not there i call friends who dont answer ...... I am scared .... scared of what i dont know ... scarred of what i do know .... i am scared of the world ... i am scared of me .... scared that the deamons that live within me are trying to come out .... scared of the dark side .... it comes like a wave that you can not stop ..... I am mad at myself .... I let the walls down .. and the hurt came in ... i want to be strong .... i want to be brave ... i dont want to do it anymore ..... I am mad at me .... why did i let go ... why take down masks .... why open the doors ....... i am so mad ... its no one but me to blame .... its me being stupid ..... being fucked up .... why did i do it again .. why risk the hurt ... there are no answers there are only voices ... they yell stupid little girl .... what did you expect ... you know they hurt you .... and you go back for more ... stupid little fucking girl ..... Its what you deserve ... you go back for more .... you do it to yourself .... you worthless bitch ..... you are nothing .......just stop it .... FUCKING STOP IT ......

life on the roller coster

been reading over the posts of the last week or so and i realise just how much of a roller coster i have been on my emotions have been up and down and all about for the last few weeks and i am trying to balance it all out somehow .... They have alot to do with the others in my life and more to the point they have to do with J i dont know why i have allowed myself to fall so much and why i have let her get to me in such a way that i its been really fuckin me up if i was smarter perhaps i would have cut free a week ago but i so want it to work and lets face it it is not turning out as i wanted ... and its all out of my control which i hate but what can i do about things that are out of my control .....? not much i guess I am trying to take a stand back and let her sought them out but that has turned out to be harder than it sounds its always so easyer to say things than to actualy do them .... and right now i just dont know what to do ??? i am trying to just give her space and time but also i dont want to be played while i know she is not doing this i guess she is at least in some small way cause my emotions are all over sometimes wanting to be there sometimes wanting to just walk away and get back to lookin after me and all ......

So the plan for the next week is to step back enough for her to make the first move back towards me as i can not keep trying to give ..... I have tryed all the giving i can do ..... I am spent ......

J if you read this know i love you even if i dont say it .... dont push me so far away you can not pull me back after the storm .... please ......

Learning to trust

Its funny how there seems to be alot of learning going on in this relationship learing to relax learning to trust ... these are things that we knew how to do as kids we knew how to do them as adults but somewhere along the way we learnt other lessions like how to protect yourself and how to guard your emotions because somewhere along the way someone hurt us someone stole from us things that are ours ... and now i find that i am learning and J is learning to trust again and to give again see without that openes and that honesty then you can not love again on the leval that we once did .........

I guess it comes back to what the Tao Te Ching would say that in order for there to be hate there must be love and in order for there to be love there must be hate ..... What do you christians think about that?

44
Which is more important, your honor or your life?
Which is more valuable, your possessions or your person?
Which is more destructive, success or failure?

Because of this, great love extracts a great cost
and true wealth requires greater loss.

Knowing when you have enough avoids dishonor,
and knowing when to stop will keep you from danger
and bring you a long, happy life.

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~stwright/rel/tao/TaoTeChing.html

Well it kinda makes sence to me its based on the whole yin yang princible

take care
sarah
hugz

learning to relax

so just a quick note first i think why I am bad at relationships is cause i dont control everything that happans in them ... see as single i can control my little world so well but having someone else play apart in that little world can be hard for me ......

So having said that J and I are doing good well doing ok she is real busy with some personal stuff and says while she dosnt need space (relationship wise) is just snowed under with things that are going on right now and that she is so busy that i guess i am taking a back seat for alittle while ..... So all told thats a good thing and nothing for me to worry about .....!!!

Yea now I should stop the smokes right .... lol

dating games

A good friend just reminded me that dating is a game .... its all about testing and teasing and exploring ..... I so forgot about it ... I know it sounds harsh and I have always been the one to say "look I just dont play games !" but that in itself is part of the game its the things we do in the first few weeks like seeing what happans when we forget to call or showing someone that we have a life outside of them its not nessary a mean thing its just part of all that dating is ... so anyway i have been thinkin that i am being played a little and i totaly didnt realise so as harsh as this sounds i will not jump through the hoops this week i will be alittle bussyer in my own life and i will not jump to return phone calls ..... call me a bitch but its just part of what happans when dating ... its only temp. just this first week thing just to see what is going to happan ... but i think i need to either push it to work or forget about it .... other wise i will just be pushed and pulled around tooo much ......
see ya soon
sarah

questions

I saw these questions on a friend's blog, I thought I would steal them and pass them along...

1. When u looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was behind you? nothing i did not look today

2. How much cash did you spend yesterday? $190 AUD

3. What's a word that rhymes with mist? my wrist lol

4. Favorite planet on which you would live at if you could? well it wouldnt be urans would it
5. Who is the first person you ever kissed? some kid in prep cause we were going to marry

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?the one i have now "forever young" by youth group
7. What kinda underwear are you wearing? I am not wearing any

8. What do you think of yourself? unbalanced

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? I dont wear shoes very often but when i do anything from a small company called called "soul cover" oh and i have a pair of moo shoes

10. night light or pitch black? Pitch Black

11. What do you think about the (previous) person who took this survey? unbalanced .

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? laying in the bush lookin at every star in the sky

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? " well have a good weekend then talk to you when you get back !!"

15. Where is the nearest Valero? whats a valero???

16. What's a saying that you say a lot? leave small footprints

17.Who told you they loved you last? my friend Cin

18. Last furry thing you touched? me before my last wax job

19. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days? nothing

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? what is film that question is so 1900s

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 14

22. Your worst enemy? Noah

23. What is your current desktop picture? counting crows wallpaper

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? take care of yourself and hope you call me latter

25. How do you like your eggs? in chickens

26. Do you like someone?Is there anyone that doesn't like someone? I like Jodie a whole lot ... heaps of people dont like me

27. The last song you listened to? dont know

28. Tombstone, Urn, marker, wooden cross, forgotten grave, or what? Scatter my ashes
scatter my ashes from Mt buffalo Victoria australia

sarah and stress dont mix

hopefuly my next post will be on how close i am to J hopefuly my next post will be on how silly i am to stress over little things hopefuly ........

But for now i need to say i am stressed and i dont do stress i cant do stress i live the lifestyle i do cause its stress free ...... see this is me and stress

normally starts with me not eatting or eatting too much that is what i call leval 1 stress and i have been there for the last few days

then comes leval 2 where i start smoking again like i use to in france ok so i just finshed my third packet

leval 3 is where i start to cut up and while i am not there i feel the urge and is one reasion i am going camping for a couple of days

leval 4 well if i ever reach it i wont be bloging cause that would be the end of it and i dont want to talk about it but i have been there before

so i dont do stress i just can not do it !!!!! its 5 am and i carnt sleep i hate sleep anyway but tonight i have not had much !!!! So you want this blog to be personal you want me to tell you all that goes through my head well to do that you need to know my past you need to know everything to understand where i come from and i can not do that on a blog so tonight i chose to tell some of it .......

See i was 14 i was alone in the world and i had just won a trip to france to attend a fantastic school on artistic photography concepts for 1 year with the option of futher studys if i got good grades ... wow you say and so did I but at the time i was hiding some deep dark secrects like the fact that i didnt eat much when i did eat and i was a cronic self harmer ontop of everything else that most 14 year old girls have going on that is being a 18 year old in a 14 year old body and getting to much attention from older men and not knowing how to deal with it all .....
So anyway paris was to die for and i had the time of my life in the city that would let me do anything i wanted and get into all kinds of places that kids dont get to go see its hard for me to even think of myself as a kid then for all purposes i was an adult i was smoking and drinking and clubing and i was in a couple of relationships with some older men ... at the end of my first year there i was spose to go home but i wanted to stay the only way for me to do that was to find money and find money fast and the only way i could do that was two fold the first thing i did was take up with an older man that would suport me and i did love him some but not alot so the first 4 mths or so I was living the life with a 24 year old boyfriend who was actually nice to me but i didnt love him and would cheat on him all the time for the most part he knew and didnt say any thing to me about it untill one day the shit hit the fan so they say and he threw my out on the street i deserved it but still hurt like all fuck and i had no where to go i ended up at one of my teachers houses the only one that liked me as the rest hated me cause i was not like the rest and well i can be a hand full lol .... anyway he got me into doing some modeling of a sought which got me a really cheap and nasty room in a bad area and all i had to do was model for him and hes students once a week now i will tell you that is not a sexual thing but a lot of it was as they say artistic nude work mostly for drawing which ment that i would just sit infrount of about 14 people naked for hours on end ..... i actually didnt mind it too much for the most part but then again looking back i think i only didnt mind it cause it kept me in my beloved france and in paris for a short time ....... right now i am thinkin what the hell has all this got to do with stress lol .... i have no idea but i guess getting it out might be good .... while in france i was emotionaly messed up i use to cut myself more than once a week and cry most days but somehow at the time i use to think it was some kinda dark artistic side coming out of me ....... stupid thoughts from a stupid girl .......

anyway a peek at my past for ya ..... see i am trying to make it personal lol ... but hard to sit here and talk to myself perhaps i could do an interview via email questions > email me ....lol i am an open boook this week and on friday i will answer everything on my blog ///// what do you say >?

sarah

oh ps. I would never delete anyones coment ever !!!! who ever where ever

I am just no good at relationships ...

OK so i am no good at relationships i mean not that there is anything wrong with this one yet its just that i kinda stress in relationships i guess its just been a long long time and i dont know how they work to well ......

I can see that we both need space but i also need reasurance i mean am i needy i dont know but i need to know that we are both heading in the same direction and that "we are workin" ...... this weekend we are spending time apart i am going camping for a night by myself and J is going on a girls night out tonight and having a workin bee at the farm with her friends on saturday ..... I thought we would at least catch up today but she is busy orginising stuff for Saturday so i guess to busy for me ..... now i know that she is not all that busy and i know that her Ex is giving her a hard time but she dosnt want to talk to me about it cause she thinks that i will run away if i hear to much crap about her EX but i want to hear it and i dont mind hearing it but how do i say that to her ......

I so need to just relax and give her the space she needs to take care of her buisness but its hard for me cause i just want to be there .... I just dont know sometimes if its worth the effort i mean gee perhaps i should just run away and leave her to her shit but as you know thats not going to happan cause i am kinda fallan for her so bad .......

Its just dumb but what can i do ... I will sit tight and be the nicest i can be and just sit it out for a week or two before making any desisions and just cross my fingers and hope .... lets just see what happans .. i know if we can word through this stuff and trust issues we can work through anything ...

I will just sit tight for the next week and hope we can get back to normal .....

Take care friends
Sarah xoxoxo
big hugs
and a special hugz to the bear who lost his father recently .... take care my friend ;)