sarah and stress dont mix

hopefuly my next post will be on how close i am to J hopefuly my next post will be on how silly i am to stress over little things hopefuly ........

But for now i need to say i am stressed and i dont do stress i cant do stress i live the lifestyle i do cause its stress free ...... see this is me and stress

normally starts with me not eatting or eatting too much that is what i call leval 1 stress and i have been there for the last few days

then comes leval 2 where i start smoking again like i use to in france ok so i just finshed my third packet

leval 3 is where i start to cut up and while i am not there i feel the urge and is one reasion i am going camping for a couple of days

leval 4 well if i ever reach it i wont be bloging cause that would be the end of it and i dont want to talk about it but i have been there before

so i dont do stress i just can not do it !!!!! its 5 am and i carnt sleep i hate sleep anyway but tonight i have not had much !!!! So you want this blog to be personal you want me to tell you all that goes through my head well to do that you need to know my past you need to know everything to understand where i come from and i can not do that on a blog so tonight i chose to tell some of it .......

See i was 14 i was alone in the world and i had just won a trip to france to attend a fantastic school on artistic photography concepts for 1 year with the option of futher studys if i got good grades ... wow you say and so did I but at the time i was hiding some deep dark secrects like the fact that i didnt eat much when i did eat and i was a cronic self harmer ontop of everything else that most 14 year old girls have going on that is being a 18 year old in a 14 year old body and getting to much attention from older men and not knowing how to deal with it all .....
So anyway paris was to die for and i had the time of my life in the city that would let me do anything i wanted and get into all kinds of places that kids dont get to go see its hard for me to even think of myself as a kid then for all purposes i was an adult i was smoking and drinking and clubing and i was in a couple of relationships with some older men ... at the end of my first year there i was spose to go home but i wanted to stay the only way for me to do that was to find money and find money fast and the only way i could do that was two fold the first thing i did was take up with an older man that would suport me and i did love him some but not alot so the first 4 mths or so I was living the life with a 24 year old boyfriend who was actually nice to me but i didnt love him and would cheat on him all the time for the most part he knew and didnt say any thing to me about it untill one day the shit hit the fan so they say and he threw my out on the street i deserved it but still hurt like all fuck and i had no where to go i ended up at one of my teachers houses the only one that liked me as the rest hated me cause i was not like the rest and well i can be a hand full lol .... anyway he got me into doing some modeling of a sought which got me a really cheap and nasty room in a bad area and all i had to do was model for him and hes students once a week now i will tell you that is not a sexual thing but a lot of it was as they say artistic nude work mostly for drawing which ment that i would just sit infrount of about 14 people naked for hours on end ..... i actually didnt mind it too much for the most part but then again looking back i think i only didnt mind it cause it kept me in my beloved france and in paris for a short time ....... right now i am thinkin what the hell has all this got to do with stress lol .... i have no idea but i guess getting it out might be good .... while in france i was emotionaly messed up i use to cut myself more than once a week and cry most days but somehow at the time i use to think it was some kinda dark artistic side coming out of me ....... stupid thoughts from a stupid girl .......

anyway a peek at my past for ya ..... see i am trying to make it personal lol ... but hard to sit here and talk to myself perhaps i could do an interview via email questions > email me ....lol i am an open boook this week and on friday i will answer everything on my blog ///// what do you say >?

sarah

oh ps. I would never delete anyones coment ever !!!! who ever where ever